If Not Just To Post Something

Two years ago, if somebody had told you that it was more likely that a severed, partially-cooked female index finger would be found in a cup of Wendy's chili before WMD's would be found in Iraq, would you have doubted them?

Comic Farce

Check out the posting on the Federal Business Opportunity website for a comic book proposal to influence Middle Eastern youth. FedBizOpps.gov, as the homepage explains, is the one-stop-shop for government "procurement opportunities" (i.e., the place where businesses would normally pick up contracting work unless they're a subsidiary of a subsidiary of one of Cheney's subsidiaries).

The proposal asks one lucky small business to create a series of colorful, truthful, and god-honest objective comic books "based on the security forces, military and police, in the near future in the Middle East in cooperation with the Ministries of Interior of some of those countries." Why, you ask? Because "comic books provide the opportunity for youth to learn lessons, develop role models and improve their education." Forget infrastructure and security...sowing the seeds of nationalism starts with a sustained pictorial narrative!

The work is to be done in collaboration with the US Army, who "have already done initial character and plot development." No doubt that this plot will deal with the complexities of foreign involvment in the Middle East with respect to economic and security interests that complicate our presence there, as well as address the convoluted schemes of current Middle Eastern governments presiding over non-diversified top-heavy economies that provide huge cash flows that support a wealthy elite who have little choice but to endorse radical idealogues in return for blessings that reinforce the government's credibility amidst widespread public outrage at their own often westernized material lives. Or maybe they have a different storyline.

I nominate David Rees for the job. This man is a genius.

Boy Scout Leader Gets "Possession and Distribution" Badge

Irony rolled up a pant leg, got a running start, and gave a swooping kick to the collective junk of the Boy Scouts of America yesterday. The organization's Program Director, Mr. Douglas Sovereign Smith Jr., has apparently been exercising his 'sovereign' right to child pornography. He also directed the Boy Scouts "Task Force on Youth Protection," which teaches children about sexual abuse. Tell me again how you define "sexual deviant" in your scout handbook?

Smith, who has been with the Boy Scouts for almost 40 years, entered a guilty plea in court today instead of going through the extra disgrace of a proper hearing. He has defended the Boy Scouts in the past for their practice of barring gay scoutmasters, a policy that was upheld by the Supreme Court under the First Amendment. Regarding that case, Smith made the statement that "some intolerant elements in our society want to force scouting to abandon its values and become fundamentally different." Hey, I know something that's fundamentally "different" - sexually explicit photos of children!

I understand that the Boy Scouts have a solid reputation in countless communities. But I also understand that karma has a spectacular sense of humor, and blatant discrimination - deemed legal or not - seems appropriately rewarded by the shaming of this high-level frumpster.

First Lady Visits Burqa-Less Wonderland

"Afghanistan....a librarian's DREAM!"

Laura Bush visited Afghanistan yesterday to promote women's education programs there. As you may have assumed, her presence at Kabul University was marked as much by her eloquence as by the sheer vapidity of her stare. Her job was to hype the baby steps - albeit important ones - the country has made with regard to women's rights and the training of teachers. These steps were clearly a gift from the US in return for us bombing the shit out of them.

"It is said that big things have small beginnings. Two years ago, this teacher-training institute was just a dream,'' Bush said. "And as a teacher and librarian myself, I hope that the United States government could help build this institute.'' Guess what FLOTUS? Four years ago, our foreign policy wasn't the diplomatic equivalent of plowing snow. But as a teacher and librarian, you already know that! Giggle giggle heheheheeee! I love books and children and school!

It's only slightly disturbing that Mrs. Bush visited the first country we clusterfucked before the President did. Or didn't. Because he's never been there.

Thanks for being my punching bag, blog

I've decided that I absolutely hate when people unnecessarily assign ownership to food items through the consistent and grating use of possessives.

Coworker 1: Are you going over to the cafe? Wait, let me get my drink.
Coworker 2: I can't believe it's that time already...oh...I need...Is it??...I didn't even get to finish my breakfast.
Coworker 1 [searching for drink]: What was breakfast?
Coworker 2: I really like the frozen fruit at Trader Joes, it's just FABULOUS...Every morning I put my berries in my cottage cheese to eat at my desk, but lunch came so fast today I didn't get to have my breakfast...
Coworker 3 [shifts through brown bag of food just delivered]: Is this one mine?
Coworker 2: I don't know hun, but that one's my tuna, and we've got the chips 'cause I love to have my chips in my tuna sandwich.

AND ON AND ON INTO A BLEAK INFINITY.

There's a fine line that dictates a need for such banter - i.e., you are having a delightful time at a picnic where everyone is enjoying falafel, and suddenly you misplace your deep-fried chickpea rollup. It is perfectly reasonable to ask the others where your falafel is with the appropriate form of the personal pronoun: "Where is my falafel?" You don't give a shit where Jeff's food is, so you obviously avoid the third-person possessive his. And asking about all the falafel in general would achieve nothing: "Where's the sandwich?" Clearly, this situation demands that, if you do indeed seek your food item, you will need to ask in the first-person possessive. This is wholly unnecessary when describing in detail that you enjoy chips and tuna together in the same mouthful.

I've found that it's mostly older people who talk such nonsense. Perhaps it's reflective of the alleged shift into conservative ownership-dom that occurs when you accumulate wealth and buy a home, maybe invest a little bit. Is the excessive use of my a side effect of this ownership? Does what you own, and the work you've done to earn it, inspire a sense of entitlement that beseeches you to remind others that such trivial things as yogurt and soda are very much yours? Will I talk like this when I some day own more than a bulldog and a Honda? Why does this piss me off so much?

Crapping on Pretension

This is an absolute must-read. A friend of my kinfolk writes a blog that basically shits on the NY Times "Weddings and Celebrations" section for the in-your-face, vainglorious, obviously-your-wedding-isn't-cool-as-shit
-cause-it's-not-in-here mentality that it represents. Or, at least, it didn't seem to represent until I read some of the blog. Now I just faking hate these people.

Veiled Conceit

SchiavoSchiavoSchiavoSchiavoSchiavoSchiavo

The latest show at the circus is where Jeb Bush gets a state court to here a statement by a Jacksonville, FL religious fanatic *ahem* neurologist person.

Gov. Bush has succeeded in getting the 211th some-odd court hearing surrounding this case, this time concerning an affidavit from Dr. William Cheshire, a neurologist who has visited with Ms. Schiavo FOR ONE HOUR and watched some of the family's videotapes of their interactions. Dr. Cheshire happens to be a fellow at the Center for Bioethics and Human Dignity, a group that started in 1993 when "...more than a dozen leading Christian bioethicists gathered to assess the noticeable lack of explicit Christian engagement in the crucial bioethics arena." Riiiiiiiiight.

Dr. Cheshire thinks that Ms. Schiavo may have been misdiagnosed ("not vegetative") and his ideas will now be heard in court, thanks to the persistence of Jeb. Said the doctor who first diagnosed Terry with the infamous 'persistent vegetative state': "I have no idea who this Cheshire is...He has to be bogus, a pro-life fanatic. You'll not find any credible neurologist or neurosurgeon to get involved at this point and say she's not vegetative."

Don't trust that Cheshire cat, now...He's wily.